so im sorry, but my lack of resources will not allow me to write in this blog until i am back in california.
closed until further notice
closed until further notice
5:09 PM |
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A profound, hopefully optimistic entry will accompany this photo as soon as I have time.
9:46 PM |
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D-Line- Destination: Riverside
Speaking in fragments. Harder than it seems. Can you understand? What I'm saying. Without a care in the world. This man. Watching something on an iPod.
I would like to know his secret. How do you do it, exactly? Live in the moment, without a care in the world or a thought as to the past, or the future. In this instant, this man has accomplished something that many go their whole lives without achieving.
It's the moments like these that make life worthwhile.
As for me, I can't seem to get the past out of my head these days. At every turn, I am accosted with memories of her. The reason I'm here in the first place, part of the reason I am so eager to never return, she still has the power to make or break my day after being absent from my life for days, weeks, months. I miss her. For all of you who read this and have ever been in or fallen out of love, perhaps you can begin to understand. As for those of you who have never been in this position, I envy you. I pity you. In the words of Alfred Lord Tennyson, "It is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all."
To feel this profound sense of loss, I was blessed, wasn't I... for two and a half years, I was truly, genuinely happy. You were my best friend, my support, my biggest fan. I only hope that I was as good to you as you were to me. You were always there for me, and I will never be able to express how thankful I am that you were in my life.
We've pretty much begun to go our separate ways, and perhaps that is for the best. However, I can't quite shake the feeling that we are somehow... connected, that we were meant to be. do you know what I'm talking about? Benjamin Disraeli, a novelist and a Prime Minister of England, declared that "The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end." And although it seems to be over for the time being, who knows what God has planned for our futures? I can only hope, and live my life to the fullest in the meantime. As for a broken heart, what's broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
Dance like no one's watching
Sing like no one's listening
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt before
Live like there's no tomorrow.
7:55 PM |
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Stuvi Sunrise, 6:55 AM
So I woke up really early today, and as I was sitting, waiting, wishing... bleh. so cliche. Rather, as I was enjoying my breakfast, and celebrating my first sunrise in quite some time, I caught a glimpse of this wonderful scene, and couldn't resist. And as the shutter closed on this beautiful sight, I resolved to see this same sight for the next 40 days. I wanted to capture moments that changed lives; I guess it's only natural that the changes would start with me. This is really nice!! Many cultures around the world believe that copying the likeness of a human steals part of the soul; I have come to my own realization that picture-taking is a catharsis, and by taking photos of other people, you share experiences that serve to enrich the lives of yourselves as well as those around you. So if anyone would like to take part in this purging of the soul with me, I'll be waiting with some hot coffee and a smile :D
11:00 PM |
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guess who...
So I was catching up with my dear friend Samantha, and I realized... I FUCKING MISS YOU!!! lol. Ok but anywho, I seriously do not know where I would be without this girl! She's been there for me through the highs and lows, with She Who Must Not Be Named, drama, stress, homesickness, etc., etc., etc. Ever since that fateful day I asked her to Homecoming :P
^You not knowing how to put the boutonniere on :D WE STILL NEED TO GO TO SHABU SHABU!! But yes. Who would have thought we would have become so close? And we've come a loooong way since then :P
Prom '08. The "perfect picture" except for the strange gay-hand... lol.
Graduation. Can't Imitate Don't Duplicate So Appreciate. And GTFO of our way!!!!
Finally, we come to the end of the road (for now), I am stuck in this godawful town... I'm pulling a Samantha and getting the heck out of here!! lol. And we're going to try out for a dance team together :D but NOT TM. Seriously, for the best times and the worst, you were there for me, and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Here's to Swedish Fish, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Mr. Lee's, Guppy's, strange French music, giving me good music, white chocolate mochas, crappy SUV's, 5th period Art, LACTAID, and all the better things in life then sitting around being emo :D
Thanks for everything.
This isn't a suicide note.
:D
3:28 PM |
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Faneuil Hall
Sometimes referred to as "The Cradle of Liberty", this meeting place was frequented by our country's founding fathers. I am of the firm belief that to succeed in the future, knowledge of one's roots is essential. When attempting to discern what lies ahead, one can derive counsel and comfort from the successes of our forefathers. I just can't seem to break away from the thread of uncertainty of my future, and I suppose that I should start taking the advice that I ever- so-willingly dispense.
We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.
-Thomas Jefferson
10:19 PM |
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Attempt #2 at the Boston Skyline
So in my quest to take world-shaking, view-changing photographs, I have come to two conclusions- first off, that subject matter in Boston, and it's outlying areas, is sorely lacking, and secondly, that I am in dire need of better equipment than a point-and-shoot camera. Given my lack of funds at present, the latter at least is out of the question; however, when I previously discussed the former with a friend, she replied that I must begin to represent people, and that action shots were always more interesting than still-life. Now, I being tired of the overabundant verdant shots of the flora of Massachusetts, will aspire to heed her advice and attempt to capture life in the making.
Rather, I will capture life in the living. No pun intended previously, as I have no intentions of breaking into the porn industry as of yet. As I am in serious need of sleep, I will leave you with this to mull over, pulled from my latest read and off of Liz Eun's wall-
"Let me tell you, the proofs that God does not exist are very strong. But in lots of people. they are not as strong, as the feeling that he does."
-East of Eden
11:50 PM |
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Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
First off, I hope you weren't unduly inconvenienced by the biannual event we call Daylight Savings Time. "Spring forward, Fall back". I've had an hour less time these past few days to think over the state of my existence, but it hasn't hampered my uncanny ability to second-guess myself in the least. Looking over the past few blog entries, I have come to the belated realization that my photos lack... substance. They're pretty enough, or artsy enough, I suppose. But as I was discussing with a friend earlier today, I want to take epic photos, ones that can change a person's views of the world- moments that capture the split second between sunset and sundown, and fill the space between ignorance and bliss. I believe the right picture at the right moment is worth much, much more than just a thousand words. A picture is a canvas, and the skilled photographer is the most masterful of artists, quantifying the radiant sun and the luminescent moon and casting them over his subject matter in broad, powerful strokes as well as in precise, meticulous detail. As a tiny pinprick of light hits the back of the lens of the camera (his brush, of course-or chisel, or pitch-pipe), a single moment is captured. And in that single moment, every word that is being spoken in every corner of the Earth is captured along with it.
A thousand words, you say?
A picture is a dream, a vision of what has taken place and what is yet to come. Man has lived with far less, and will continue to live with less until he is shown that there can be more, that there is more- to himself, his life, his very being- than what he is and has been settling for. A picture is a part of the soul of the picture-taker, and no amount of words could begin to express the meaning behind that.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
1:57 AM |
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Unknown Intersection in Downtown Boston
So since I started this blog, I have been riddled with misgivings about the decisions I have made. It's one thing to blaze my own trail; it's another thing entirely to burn my bridges and cut my losses regardless of collateral damage. And it seems that at every turn, I get caught at a stoplight-someone or something ready and all-too willing to stop me cold. Where does one draw the line between following the Golden Rule and your basic self-preservation instincts? I know that ultimately, I need to live for God, and I don't have a problem with that. But it's just so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day grind, and lose sight of the things that are really important in this life and the next. Sometimes, I feel like I should just take my life and run with it. The sky's the limit, no? The only thing holding me back is... what exactly is holding me back?
Fear.
Fear of the unknown, fear of hurting others, fear of rejection. Fear of not measuring up to other people's expectations of me, fear of not being as smart or as talented or as capable as I think I am. Fear of losing myself to my environment, of being caught up in the moment. Fear of my past catching up to me, and fear of the future and everything it entails. Fear of regret.
Well pardon my French, but it's time to fuck fear. It's time to start living my life. To the fullest. Free of fear, and shame, and regret. Letting the past go, and looking forward to the rest of my life. Loving others, while not being afraid to put myself before them once in a while, and of course, putting Jesus Christ first and foremost in all things.
"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."
-Luke 2:14
12:04 AM |
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Green Line T: InboundIt seems to me that these days, everyone is in such a rush to get where they're going, they don't take the time to stop and think about why they're headed there in the first place, or what they'll do when they do ultimately arrive. In the world of today, "slow and steady wins the race" has been replaced with "the early bird catches the worm" and "the end justifies the means". But when it's all said and done, where do you truly see yourself? which is better-to achieve all your personal goals, but be alone and miserable? or to live life completely for others, self-abnegating or living out someone else's life vicariously? Well, both suck. Point being, what is your destination? What are you doing with your life? Benjamin Franklin once said, "Certainty? In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes." Since this isn't a treatise on the inner workings of the W-2 and the I-90, it can be naturally assumed that death is the topic at hand. Where is your final destination? And what are you doing in preparation for that fateful day?
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in and steal [...]
-Matthew 6:20
12:33 AM |
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My representation of the Boston skyline through the eyes of Stuvi 1502... failed.
But it got me to thinking. what would it be like to go an entire day without my contacts in? for those of you who don't know, i'm pretty close to legally blind, if not over the legal limit. that on top of my color deficiency, and in all likelihood, my perception of the world is remarkably skewed. However, it can't be any better or worse than the next guy over, or the next girl for that matter. In our own way, regardless of astigmatism, hyperopia, or colorblindness, we all see what we choose to see, and are keenly unobservant of those tiny details that serve to elucidate the simple fact that all is not well in our lives. And these details are blurred by the double-vision and myopia, lost as we live with blinders on, to cover the unavoidable truths, the "-isms" that bring us together while simultaneously driving us apart.
Cateracts form.
It is simply a matter of entropy. there's no stopping it, no delaying it. so what can you do but enjoy the fleeting moments of the present? Just like this post started off as a question of blinders, and now lacks any cohesion whatsoever.
Back to the matter at hand...
Think of all the biases you've been brought up with, or have developed on your own. "Asian girls are bad drivers." "Middle Eastern people are all fanatical Islamic fundamentalists." "Blondes are ditzy." "White people can't dance." "Brown people all have a cousin named Jesus." The list goes on. But the point is, we are content to live life in a bubble, engulfed in the life that we know, suffocated by the things that we refuse to believe. It's time for me to take off my blinders. Expect the unexpected. Broaden my horizons. Stop thinking that my problems will disappear if i act like they don't exist. Stop running from my past, and from my future. Stop taking anyone and everyone else's word for it, and find out for myself who i am, and what i can really be.
Now if you'll excuse me, i have a stack of parking tickets to pay and some people to call. And apparently, the price of Lasic is going down by the day...
12:53 AM |
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So begins the first day of the rest of my life.
Having finally made my decision not to return to Boston next year, I am awash with a mixture of anxiousness and anticipation. Was my decision the right one for me, given the circumstances? Reflecting on the past half-year , I can't help but dwell on the scanty collection of good memories that I have had while in this place. But few as they may be, they do exist somewhere amidst the rubble that is my mind. And here is the place that I will store these fleeting moments, frozen for you and I to see.
12:57 AM |
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Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
-Joshua 1:9
2:50 PM |
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